Archive for the ‘Touch Lines’ Category

…Because it’s Been a While…

May 4, 2012 1 comment

I’m convinced that Arjen Robben bares more resemblance to former U.S. MNT coach and current Egypt MNT coach Bob Bradley than Bradley’s actual son, Michael.  And, I can’t be the only one that thinks this.

Manchester City won the Manchester Derby to go even on points with United, ahead on season’s goal differential.  Wonderful.  This just gives Mario Balotelli another opportunity to completely f*ck City’s season up.

Real Madrid captured their league title this week.  Congratulations!  How’d your Champions League season go?  Anyway, here’s a team with a manager who is very set in his ways, some of his players don’t like him and disagree with his tactics.  Yet, they go through with the game plan like professionals.  And their leading goal-scorer is a midfielder.  Is THIS where Nowak gets his ideas from?  Because I totally buy the parallel that Freddy Adu = Mesut Ozil and Michael Farfan = Cristiano Ronaldo.  Yeah.  Sure.

I don’t even know why I just made that Union-Real Madrid comparison

Union play a 1pm PST match in a stadium full of people who tailgate with lattes.  And they’re owned by Drew Carey.  All they do is purchase the right to host the US Open Cup final every year to give them the advantage in winning a tournament that most of MLS doesn’t care about.  I’m still pissed about the Flyers being down 2-1 to the Devils.  I need a Union win tomorrow.

-Nick Y., the other .5 of Unholy Union


Back to the grind – Touchlines

October 12, 2011 Leave a comment

So, apparently Seattle also invented the work week – which prevented myself and Nick from making any posts during the past week and a half.  Lucky for us, we got the last laugh (with much sleep deprivation).

Thanks to the Philly Soccer Page for pointing out that has a poll running for “Who to support now that the Phillies lost the playoffs, and the Eagles suck”.  Union are currently behind the Flyers 121 to 145.  There are 64 jackasses who voted “2 teams is enough” (Seriously, not knocking these guys – but who goes to philebrity dot com anyway!?  Who that is an average stereotype for an eagles fan on top of that?)  And feel free to view the results and feel sad for the 12 people who voted for the Sixers. has an epic piece about the CFU / CONCACAF bribery scandal that happened in the Caribbean featuring star players Bin Hammam and Jack Warner.  The best part about this piece – it’s not a piece, but a video that proves every single person is guilty.  The best part about this?  Well, you have to see for yourself – especially since it’s from Jack Warner’s own mouth.  There’s various comedic jems in there.  Bill Archer has a blog that points out various comedic parts of the video, especially if you have been keeping score with the whole scandal.  Adam Sandler couldn’t make this shit up.

What’s sad, red, and doesn’t know what the fuck it’s doing?  Two possible answers in this (Pig latin: SMNTUlay, Orontotlay efflay eclay)…

Okay, maybe three.

Our last regular season home game is this Saturday – what does that mean?  The highway ramps next to the stadium are finally accessible.

Remember – They’re call girls when they’re alive.  When dead, they’re just hookers.

I apologize for touchlines this week not being as blatantly bad humor and more of a link to link piece – but I really feel like my brain’s in a coma from the past week… and I have to get it back in shape for the bearfights this week – it can only take so much damage you know.

Finally dry Touch Lines

August 30, 2011 Leave a comment

Seattle has invented everything just recently, and are looking to add to their invention of pissing off the rest of the US soccer world if they can get past FC Dallas in the USOC semis for their third straight USOC championship game (and title).  Let’s all hope that Sigi doesn’t pull his scarf too tight around his neck and pop his head off.  That wouldn’t be a pretty site.  The other MLS team in it still is Chicago, unfourtanately for them, the other team looks like they will show up to the game.

In Union news, not much Union news.  It’s hard enough to get new news bits from a team with closed lips, it’s even worse when we don’t have a game for 2 weeks.  I don’t even know what day it is now.


Speaking of blowouts, Columbus Crew did the Union a huge favor at Seattle by not showing up and losing 6-2.  That’s representing the Eastern conference for you.

Congrats to the Crew’s Jeff Cunningham on surpassing Jaime Moreno for the most career MLS goals.  Now back to obscurity with you.

In around the world news – Diego Maradona is coaching over in Dubai for  Al Wasl FC.  He has an annual salary of 3.5 million, and a private jet at his disposal for 2 seasons.  Someone is #winning all over the place right now.

Yes I just made a 5 month old Charlie Sheen joke.  But seriously, what else are you going to do on a private jet than hookers and blow.  We’re also talking about the “Hand of God” here, so of course he’s doing that.  Don’t expect him to be using that jet for something like aiding earthquake survivors.

Weatherwise, it’s been a rough week.  Starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, then airplanes.  Well, Lenny Bruce was not afraid.  Then a eye of a hurricane, can you hear yourself churn?  In all serious, REM aside, we at UU hope everyone is alright and that your power’s back.

Touch-ing Solo – lines

July 14, 2011 1 comment

Congrats to the USA Women’s National team on making the Women’s World Cup Finals.  They’re facing off against Japan on Sunday.

No, i’m not gonna make a joke this time.  I’ve been called racist, bigotted, asshole, and many things – but orientalist I am NOT.

In Union news, there is yet ANOTER rumor that Ruiz will be joining a Mexican team.  And there is ANOTHER rebutal by the star forward saying he’s staying.  There’s cheers, jeers, women weeping… Unfourtanately with our fan base, we don’t know which news is causing any of these emotions.

In MLS news, Red Bull enjoys having no cups.  They sent only 14 players (no staff) to face Chicago Fire, the day of, for the USOC tournament.  Two things can be taken from this – they don’t take the USOC seriously, and that they take the regular season seriously.  Fortunately for us, they only walk the walk on one of those things.

It’s been a while since I talked about the CONCACAF scandal, but not much new news bits (read: comedy) has come from it.  Since I didn’t do a TL last week, here’s the update – how bad is your company management when someone keeps pressing outside courts to put themselves back in office?   It’s really bad when you have to re-release the same mandate saying the man is banned from all things soccer.  At this point the punchline is just “FIFA” and a snicker.  Then again, it has been for 50 years.

In other news, my stand up comedy gig is going well (read: in my mind).

Back to the Union – we are going to play a game.  Pin the ball in Juan Diego Gonzalez.  If he touches the ball at any point – be it warm ups, half time, the ball came out of bounds and he tossed it to a playing player, take a picture.  We want proof that he is DOING SOMETHING WITH SOCCER.  The picture has to be after this date (looking at you Earl, sneaky bugger).  Contest to be decided, or just lots of memes.

July 15, the transfer window is approaching fast (so is christmas… it’s already halfway through the year…gotta make christmas cards.)  Nowak has made it known that he wants to be active during this time.  By active he means doing his usual thing and banging hookers.  Wonder where that allocation money for Harvey went huh?

Good luck to the USWNT, and the New England Revolution FANS – may you not get thrown out this time.  In the words of Charlie Sheen “Already got your money”

Your “Is it dead?!?” Touchlines

June 28, 2011 8 comments

Taking my time away from pissing off those on big soccer 😀

The US Women’s national team is playing North Korea today. I didn’t realize they let women do things…  Hold on a second *someone whispers into my ear* OH!  Wait, they’re not muslim?  What are they?  *whispers*  Oh, asian… right.  So they let women do things? *whispers again*  Oh, asian communists… and your point?

I attempted to start watching this game at work, but I.T. got smart and blocked ESPN3.  I guess my watching every World Cup match last year brought it to their attention or something.

In news of the CONCACAF presidency circus – nothing new…which is suprising.  All I know from news articles from Barbados and Jamaica – which let me tell you, are unbiased – is that the “President of Concacaf Lisle” shit for brains “Austin” is still trying to use a Bahamian court to overrule FIFA, who is under the jurisdiction of a real court in Zurich (okay, it’s more like a fantasy wonderland).   This screams one of those backroom brawls where the little guy is so beat up that even his friends are yelling at him to “stay down” but he’s too brain damaged already to know otherwise.

CONCACAF Gold Cup went off without a success… wait… No, that’s right, without a success.  Between the beginning where 5 players on Mexico were found with illegal substances in their body, and USA barely even managing to score 1 or 2 goals a game, the predicted final happened.  USA versus Mexico, on US soil…. in a place that was overrun with Mexico supporters (fail) that supported the winning team (fail) that came back from a dos y cero deficit (fail) in the first half (fail) before halftime…

Let’s face it, Bob Bradley reeks of fail.

Bald bastard.

In 1 week on the Union, the #oldserbian started 3 matches, and has won our hearts.  In 1 week he got 1 goal, 1 assist, and 1 scowl from Le Toux.  That’s a Union hat trick if I ever saw one.  It’s also nice to see our AARP program in full effect.

Scowl may or may not have happened.

Is there something wrong with Le Toux this year with not being able to score in the run of play?  Or is he just finally being French?

SoB bus trip to DC is this Saturday.  We will find out 2 or 3 things –
1) If people like my blog and/or online activity
2) What my blood type is (see 1 as to reasoning why)
3) If my liver can take such a long day (which will result in 2)

And with that, COME ON THE U!

*Please remember I’m only ripping on the stereotypical culture that is something other than american for a cheap laugh… If you think I’m being sexist, go make me a sandwhich.


– Dan K

Categories: Touch Lines

All too personal Touchlines

June 20, 2011 Leave a comment

We get no downtime this week.  From traveling to the far reaches of the Oregon Trail up to Vancouver (our team played like they had dysentery, that’s the only reference I got) and now back, they must fight off the evil witch and that damn dog Todo while trying to recover 3 points against Kansas City Sporters on Wednesday.  Can our team recover?  Can they play like they have a set?  Or are we just dust in the wind.

Speaking of wind(bags), Captain Jack Warner has finally jumped ship with his resignation from FIFA and CONCACAF!  The catch?  All allegation investigations on Warner have been closed, open only if the bastard comes back into soccer.  Who here smells something fishy?

Speaking of fish, rumor has it that Ruiz is looking to play elsewhere once the summer transfer window opens up.  No wonder we got someone just as old and worthless as he is.

Speaking of the Old Serbian, I have nothing against Paunovic… it’s just fun to make jokes on him based on his age and it was a comment being said in passing (as I have said it before to others).  Now, if he plays worse in the next match, or even at all, there will be hell to pay (or just some twitter comments).

How far does “In Nowak We Trust” go?  How much longer can we take his baffling decisions?  As much as I’m annoyed, at least he hasn’t gained 200 pounds, eats nothing but cheesesteaks, and gotten a case of “um’s” like some other coaches in the area.  As long as that doesn’t happen, I think I’ll be happy.  Philly can only take so much of it you know.

And to close – RIP Ryan Dunn and his passenger.  Any death is nothing to laugh about.

(what, you thought I’d make some jackass comment?)

Categories: Touch Lines

Your fulfillment for your sweet tooth – Touchlines

June 7, 2011 1 comment

What blogger / tweeter / skeeter hasn’t commented on this yet?  Sheanon Williams was outted by his girlfriend on twitter for missing his flight home from Colorado, with Keon Daniel and Danny Mwanga, because they stopped on the way to grab some candy.  Philly soccer page has even coined it “Candygate“.  Too easy to make a joke.

Me and my coblogger Nick have failed to put up many a post-game report because of procrastination and life getting in the way.  This time though?  We didn’t see the game.  Great work guys…

Speaking of great work, the CFU group of people are bringing CONCACAF to all it’s glory.  The pirates of the Caribbean are now being defiant to the ethics investigation that is being conducted on them concerning the Warner / Hammam money fest that I imagined happened similar in style with the Joker in the original Batman, can’t you just hear Prince and the Revolution?  But I digress….  Surely the best thing to do when you’re being conducted for breaking codes of ethics, is thumb your noses at the people who will be deciding you fate.  Tactful, they are not.

Henry Kissinger is relevant again!  Mumblemumblemumble

So I tried to write a touchlines type of article last week on my opinion of the FIFA ethics allegations, and CONCACAF’s complete misuse of all powers… but then I felt like Eric Lindros.  That wasn’t good. 

– If you didn’t know, President Warner is suspended due to the allegations brought up by the only American Exec Committee Member Chuck Blazer.  Acting president from caribbean Lisle Austin asks for explanation.  Blazer says “fuck off, you’re still being told what to do by Warner, I’m telling AGAIN”.  Austin says “Bullshit, you’re fired”.  Everyone else with REAL power in CONCACAF says “You can’t do that”.  Blazer says “Fuck that shit”.  Austin says “No really, you’re fired. I’m not listening to anything more now. LALALA”  Those same people again get together and ban Austin saying “You’re inept, fuck off”.  Austin says “You can’t do that” but does nothing.  Then Gold Cup happens.

– you see what i mean?

Connor Casey’s a douche.

The Gold Cup has started, and Ruiz has not produced once again for the team he is on while playing the full 90 minutes.  They did however tie the game while down 2 men… Coincidence?  Or drug cartels.  You decide.

Did this fill your sweet tooth? Or just leave you craving for more?

This has been a halfassed version of Touchlines.